One Week Later

Ok, so maybe 1 week and a few days later. It's taken a while for me to formulate my thoughts enough to write this out.

One week (+ a few days) ago, I miscarried. I can't believe it's only been a week. It feels so much longer.

Some days, I'm okay. In fact, most days I'm okay. My days are busy--filled with work, planning, spending time with my dogs and Brian. Some days, I'm even great. Sunday was a great day. I spent the day in my bathing suit, in the backyard with my first mojito of the season, reading books and taking naps on a blanket in the sun.

Some days, I'm not okay. Some days, I feel like it can't be real. It was a horrible horrible dream and I'll wake up and still be pregnant. Some days, I forget and think that soon I'll be breaking the news to our parents. I think about how excited they'll be, the look on their faces. I've carefully planned out how we're going to tell them. It's something I'm really looking forward to. Then I remember that it did really happen and it is real. And I won't be breaking any news to them any time soon.

Some days, it's bad. It seems like I see pregnant women everywhere. At the farmer's market and the grocery store. When I'm picking up my students from school. I'll watch an episode of one of my favorite tv shows and they'll be talking about pregnancy or being pregnant or babies (Damn you Gray's Anatomy). And then I'll cry. Because it's not fair. I shouldn't have to do this twice. I shouldn't have to watch and wait for the "tissue to be expelled" (which happened last Sunday). These are not good days.

But mostly, I have good days. These are the days I focus on. These are the days that I think and plan for next time. Next time, I'll take more vitamins. Next time, I'll be more careful. But until next time, I will drink my mojitos. I will eat sushi and raw oysters. I will ride my bike (really, I will!) and go to yoga on Thursday mornings. I will enjoy these next three months. And then we'll start again.