It's a New Day

It's a new day and I have decided to stop being sad. Well, clearly I cannot STOP being sad, but I can refuse to let it take me over. Every morning, I read the news headlines on Google News and there's a lot of truly devastating things going on today--sieges in Libya, tornadoes in St. Louis, a trapped miner in Idaho, and Linsday Lohan going to jail. Again. (Ok, so maybe THAT's not the most devastating news.) But it does put things into perspective. What happened to us, well, it is sad. But the loss of a 6 week embryo is something we can get over. We can heal from it and start again. And that is what we are going to do.

And it's over. Again.

Not much to say right now. The last two days have had ridiculous highs and unimaginable lows. Yesterday morning, we met with our midwife for the first time. It was awesome. We both really like her. She really bridges the whole metaphysical, transcendental woo-woo side of home birth with a more practical outlook that Brian and I really appreciate. I really look forward to being able to work with her. It was awesome. I was super thrilled that she was going to be our support.

Then.

Then I started spotting around noon. It was brown, and as Brian let me know "Brown is Bueno!" Just old blood. Which is what I told myself after I checked about every hour. Then the blood turned red. Bad news bears. I left work early, called our midwife. At this point, there was not much she could do. If I wanted, I could call a doctor and have some tests done to see if I was still pregnant or not. I decided to hold off. Wait and see. There's not much a doctor would be able to do anyway, I figured.

Today at lunch, I called the doctor that my midwife recommended. They wanted me to go in ASAP. I did. But to the wrong place. After getting hysterical and yelling at the nurses in labor and delivery (I apologized several times afterward) I got to the right place. I really liked the doctor I worked with. He was really gentle and helped me calm down. We did an ultrasound and, as of 2:45, the embryo was still alive. I even got a picture. But there was more blood than he liked. He gave me a prescription for hormone suppositories to strengthen the placenta (or something) and told me to take it easy this weekend. Have a Netflix Weekend, he told me.

After picking up the prescription and some food to last us through the weekend, I went home and got on the couch. And I haven't moved except to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the blood has gone from brown to red to dark red with little clots. And then there was the cramping. This blood isn't stopping. So now I am examining the toilet every time I go to the bathroom for some tissue matter about the size of a pea. Because that's how big the baby books says my embryo should be.

Right now I feel pretty damned devastated. And really really angry. I know these things happen. I know it's for the best. There was probably something wrong with the embryo. Or the placenta was not forming correctly. When it happens, it'll be just right. I know this. But really, I just want to scream and rail about how unfair this is. I've already done this. I have this t-shirt. No one wants two "miscarriage" t-shirts. And I see babies everywhere and I want to cry. I see those stupid Teen Moms on the covers of the tabloids and I want to punch them in the face. Why should their baby reach full term when mine cannot?

And deep down inside, I think there must be something wrong with me. In the past 6 months, I've been pregnant twice and I've miscarried twice. Clearly, the problem isn't with fertility. I can get pregnant. I just can't seem to STAY pregnant.

I guess I did have a lot to say.

I didn't think having a baby would be easy. But I didn't think it would be this hard either.

Status Report: Week 5, Day 5

How far along: 5 weeks, 5 days
Weight: 159 lb
Baby size: About the size of an apple seed
Sleep: Good. Like the dead.
Movement: Nada
Feeling: Actually feeling pretty great. Last week, I was feeling pretty horrible. But I think that was in part due to the stomach bug I got. And I wasn't eating. Now that I'm eating properly again, I feel great. There are a few things that I don't like the smell of (like sausages) and if I eat too much of anything I feel a little sick. So overall, good. But tired. I've been taking naps almost every day.
What I miss: My energy level. And oysters. I was at dinner with friends last week, and there were some glorious looking oysters. And I couldn't have them :(
What I am looking forward to: Showing. I'm looking forward to that baby bump. And of course, telling everyone. There are a few people who know, but we're trying hard to keep it a secret.
Milestone: Positive pregnancy test!
To Do: Midwife visit. Scheduled for next Thursday.
Food Cravings: Baked potatoes. Vegetables. Fruit.

Must Remember to Eat!

I learned a very very important lesson yesterday: it is important to eat. You would think I have learned this lesson already. I've never been what you would consider a "Skinny Minnie." However, the idea of eating when my tummy is as upset and nauseous as mine is right now makes the idea of eating anything absolutely repulsive. Which results in being totally nauseated throughout a kick-ass Ani DiFranco concert and concludes in a midnight drive to my best friend Bonnie's house to throw up in her bathroom. Fail.

So now I am trying really hard to remember to eat. I ate some crackers  before I got out of bed. Then I read of you suck on lemons, it helps the nausea. It helped get me out of bed. Of course, 15 minutes later I promptly threw it all up again. Now I'm cooking up some oatmeal. Hopefully that sticks. If it doesn't, at least I'll have something TO throw up.

BFP! BFP!

Yep. That's a BFP (Big Fat Positive)!

It's been, well, an interesting cycle. I actually wasn't feeling all that positive about this cycle. We did everything right, hit the target 3 times during what should have been my fertile period and then...nothing. My temp didn't spike for another two days. I thought we'd missed the mark. I was bummed, but started planning for the next month.

(Fair warning: the following contains details about throwing up, my period and nipples!)

Then this weekend, I went to San Diego to visit my mom (hi mom!) Everything was fine and dandy, I had a lovely time. Until Monday night. We had gone to a seafood buffet at a local casino that my mom really liked. The food was tasty and I stayed away from anything uncooked (just to be safe). Then we walked back through the casino. Weird fact: even though we are in California, with no smoking laws, you can still smoke inside a casino. The smell of the smoke almost made me gag. Then we went to the movies. The smell of the popcorn was almost too much. In fact it was. 15 minutes into the movie, I went to the bathroom and threw up. After the movie, I went to the bathroom and threw up. We got home and I threw up. I then proceeded to throw up or dry heave every 45 minutes for the remainder of the night. At first, I thought maybe I was pregnant. But I had a pretty high temp (around 99.5) and that didn't seem normal. I thought I might have had food poisoning, but again, there was that high temp, which is not normal for food poisoning. I slept most of yesterday, crawled on the plane last night, came home and went to bed. Woke up with, for me, a normal temp.

Now this morning, my temp was normal for me, but still in the high zone, meaning my period wasn't on it's way. That would put today at 15 days past ovulation. I usually have my period 12 to 13 days past ovulation. So I thought I'd take a test. Plus, there were a few signs I was trying not to read too much into before. Signs like: nasty taste in my mouth; nausea after eating, and sensitive nipples.

I was expecting nothing. But a few minutes later and I was jumping up and down and running into the bedroom to tell Brian!


So if everything goes well, we should be seeing our little guy (or girl) in about 9 months. Looks like we're having a Christmas baby!